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Some Short Jokes

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." 
Henny Youngman

“A great way for to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.”
Frank Varano

“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.”         
From Subscriber Randy

"Green clovers. Blue diamonds. Orange Stars. Pink hearts. Purple horseshoes. Man, I never know if I looking at a bowl of cereal or having another acid flashback."
Dave Henry

"I must point out that my rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after, and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them."
Winston Churchill, Said during a lunch with the Arab leader Ibn Saud, when he heard that the king's religion forbade smoking and alcohol.

"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.  But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.  This is my position, and I will not compromise!"
A Congressman's response about his attitude toward whiskey.

"Some breakfast food manufacturer hit upon the simple notion of emptying out the leavings of carthorse nose bags, adding a few other things like unconsumed portions of chicken layer's mash, and the sweepings of racing stables, packing the mixture in little bags and selling them in health food shops."
Frank Muir, British broadcaster.